We’ve read the letters, eaten most of the cookies, drank all the booze, signed every card and saved almost every photo you’ve sent (throwaways, you know who you are and should be ashamed). But that’s not why we’re back. We’re back because chaos – like the Giant Panda – doesn’t hibernate, and if the madness continues then so should we. Plus, we’re out of vacation days. The good news: We now have interns to compensate for our ballooning laziness.
What madness, you ask? Indonesia’s Muslims are quarreling with astronomers, as they do every year, about whether Ramadan started yesterday or today. The North Koreans have accused the South Koreans of plotting to blow up not their leaders, but rather statues of their leaders. Underprotective Cambodian fathers are building backyard love huts for their young daughters to encourage them to marry. And in Mongolia, a country which American leaders have praised as a model of democracy in Asia, political gridlock ensued earlier this month as the two main parties argued over whether man, machine or yak should count the ballots in the just-completed elections. The yaks selflessly stepped aside.
It all seems a little trivial, however, when compared to the pandemonium in eastern China, where one teenager channeled his inner Will Ferrell and took to the streets this week in his birthday suit. He halted traffic, leaped onto car hoods, banged on windshields, flashed children, taunted and danced his way straight into the business end of a tranquilizer dart. Yes, a tranquilizer dart. But he lived his dream for a half hour, maybe more, and we salute him back.
We also salute North Korean leader and supreme looker Kim Jong-un, who added to his growing list of titles this week by dismissing his army chief and naming himself Marshal of the DPRK. But fancy titles don’t impress The Far Far East as much as gossip, and the Pyongyang tabloids are abuzz with speculation that the Marshal has ensnared a North Korean starlet. Some know her as Hyon Song-wol, some as the lead singer of the Bochonbo Electronic Music Band, and others as the voice behind chart toppers such as Excellent Horse-Like Lady (a must-watch music video), Footsteps of Soldiers, and the unoriginal but still incredibly catchy I Love Pyongyang. We did not, could not have made up those song names.
Could this explain why the Marshal has invited the family’s old sushi chef back to town? While Kim Jong-il may have forbidden the romance during his dear leader days (“because,” as he was known to say, “if I have to be ronery, so do you”), Lil’ Kim has reportedly pulled out all the stops to get her back now that daddy’s gone. After all, we can’t think of a more romantic date setting than an unauthorized and unchoreographed Disney show:
So this post is for the horse-like women everywhere who just want to let loose, and for the young budding dictators everywhere who just want a little respect. It’s for the restless souls out there who, for their sake and ours, need an alternative to going streaking down Main Street. But most of all, it’s for us. We’re bored, we missed you and we’re back.